I accidentally had phone sex last night
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
