you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
