He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
