I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
