Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
