I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
A bitchslap is in order.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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