there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
