Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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