pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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