I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
