clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
