White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
