Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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