im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
