hell yes lets make some ravioli
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
