omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
