In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
