There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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