I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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