Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
