are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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