I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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