shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
