There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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