hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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