I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
