your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
