??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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