I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
