And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
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