Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
he told me I talked like a deaf person
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
