my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
