I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
