He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Holy shit dude........stairs
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