as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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