I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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