I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
