I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
