Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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