I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Why is your signature on my underwear?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
