she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm getting married
To pizza
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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