i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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