'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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