I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
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