I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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