I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
