I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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