Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
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