I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
