Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
